My sweet baby Cash,I have been on Christmas break for the past week and have been able to spend a lot more time with you during that week. Each day, something new is learned. Sometimes by you and sometimes by me. In the past week, I have discovered how unbelievably smart you are. Trust me, I understand the motherly bias that I present to this comment, but you amaze me with how quickly you pick things up. With how well understand what I am saying and how you respond to me. You are like this little sponge that soaks up every bit of insight and knowledge that you possibly can. And it makes my mama chest swell with pride. Know this, if I believed it was best for our family I would stay home with you. But right now sweet boy, that is not the best thing for our family. Maybe one day. But I do what I do because it puts our family in a better position.
And as you learn more things, you are quicker to see what you can get away with. You are a button pusher and you most definitely walk the line (pardon the pun). As your mother, I just want to love on you and nurture you. I want to kiss and hug you all the time, but that is just not realistic. I have to discipline you. I have to give you spankings and time-outs and anything else that works.
This whole parenting and discipling thing is like putting a puzzle together without the box picture to guide me. I sometimes feel like I am making my way in the dark with nothing but a flicker of candlelight to light my way. But we are, nonetheless, feeling our way and figuring it out. Just know that it really does hurt my heart to have to discipline you. Even though I believe, without a doubt that it is the best thing for you, it is still hard. And I can't imagine that as you get older and begin to understand a bit more of what is going on, that it will get any easier.
I love you more and more every day,
Mom
